As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
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me
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
The dark side of Canada
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!