Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
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[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
🤣could you imagine
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”