Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Had to try this trend 😊
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
he was correct
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.