Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
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My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive