If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
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All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Owl Sanctuary
Miscakes
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
In banana years, I am bread.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it