me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.