Thoughts
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
The news in a nutshell.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
do horses think humans are hats
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately