Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Who says great literature is dead?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight