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banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.