This meal prepping shit easy
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There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
the best thing i’ve ever made
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?