Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
You Might Also Like
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
welp
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.