People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
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Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
That’s classic.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Aaaa…CHOO!
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro