interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
January has been Januweary
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My work here is don’t.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it