True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide