When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.