[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
You Might Also Like
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice