buys donuts instead
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Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.