Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived