“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
dogs can find happiness so easily