Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
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When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework