Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
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A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
I’d hang this in my house.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought