FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
A sick whale is called an unwhale
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…