My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
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what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Great acting.. 😂
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.