My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
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After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.