KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
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What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I missed you with all my darts
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.