I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
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You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.