You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?