I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
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*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
i choose….tongue
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
the clam before the storm
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth