If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
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I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics