[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
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I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?