him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
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I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out