What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
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George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
There’s always that one guy
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.