Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
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I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
*weighs self after shaving
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
i’m sure it’s fine
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.