[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
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The three genders.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
“you recording!?”
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.