I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The cashier just checked me out.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.