[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
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It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here