My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
You Might Also Like
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!