Just a reminder, folks:
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Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Thursday Thought.
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…