A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
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Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib