This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 馃槀
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Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine鈥檚 Day when we鈥檝e been trapped together for months??
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: what鈥檚 the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don鈥檛 know it just tastes better when you make that noise
HUSBAND: We鈥檙e meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we鈥檝e got some Victorian wasting disease
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
I鈥檓 at the point where my mind thinks I鈥檓 29, my knees suggests I鈥檓 80, and my back wonders why I鈥檓 not dead yet.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Keep this between us, but I鈥檝e snuck Don鈥檛 Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I鈥檝e ever had.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I鈥檓 not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.