The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
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Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”