hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
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It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Oh yeah that’s it
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
X-tra spooky blend
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.