Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming