So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
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My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Practicing safe sax
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.