Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
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Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?