Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
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[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Free him
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.