Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
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Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
How funny!
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t