A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
How actors in movies eat their food
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.