My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
That’s incredible! 👌
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
*swipes right on my hand mirror
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?