While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
You Might Also Like
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.